For a long time now, I haven't been recording. This is not because nothing has happened to me. Rather, it's because I don't want what has happened to be recorded. And it's shameful, dishonest, and I feel a sense of bile developing in me, a poison that won't go away no matter how many people I am nice to. And I have been setting ridiculous standards for myself, punishing myself, but mainly because I want to kill myself. There have been too many fights, arguments. Yes, I don't think what I do is good. But there seems to be no other alternative. I do not want to be hurt again. I know that living life is to feel the joys and the pains, but I've been feeling the loss, anguish, despair and anger for a long while - I don't know if I can do this. Any longer. There seems to be something that is perpetually bothering me. What is this thing that is always wrong? Always out of place? And this something is killing me. I feel like there's a hole inside of me that nothing can fill. Nobody can fill it because I will never ever let them. It is too much of a bother. And though it will kill me, I know that I would rather not be an inconvenience to others. I feel so incredibly sad now that I must bear it alone. It is not depression - I cannot be depressed - rather I feel it is part of my constitution. I wanted to call, so much; but no, bear it alone. I must pay, because I know nobody, I never want anybody, to save me.